#hum

Rioter: a person who wants dinner, and needs a TV to eat it with. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #rioting #funny

My life is like a reality show. Whenever I cuss I bleep myself out with my air horn, and when my friends get naked I take off my glasses. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #reality-shows #funny

Now and Laters. Starbust, Pixie Stix. If she gets too bitchy, just feed her this crap. As long as the sugar high is in effect, you and the wildlife should be safe ↗

— Gayle Forman

#funny

The critics hated it. What’s worse, not a single person in that audience could give any reasoned arguments. Why they came out just to waste their good judgment is another thing I’ll never know. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

One could mention many loveable traits in Smee. For instance, after killing, it was his spectacles he wiped instead of his weapon. ↗

— J.M. Barrie

#humor #irony #j-m-barrie #killing #neverland

Must a name mean something?" Alice asked doubtfully. Of course it must," Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh; "my name means the shape I am - and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost. ↗

— Lewis Carroll

#funny #humor #humpty-dumpty #in-the-looking-glass #meaning

Her lips taste like mint from toothpaste or gum, or sometimes like cherries or grapes from her lip gloss. She's soft when I hold her, with curves where my hands rest, and when I touch her I think stupid caveman things like, mine and totally mine—oh yeah, and all mine. ↗

— Susan Vaught

#funny #humor #humour #in-love #kissing

I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people. ↗

— Scott Westerfeld

#funny #humor #parasites #vampires #zombies

Perfect,” he groaned. “You are perfect.” He sank his teeth into her ass, hard, drawing blood. “And now you wear my mark,” he finished proudly. “Your ass is mine. ↗

— Hanna Lui

#erotic-literature #erotic-romance #erotica #funny #humor

Aside from criminology, I’d say archaeology has the highest body count. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#criminology #funny #humor #funny