#hum

If gossipers were clocks, they’d go tock-tock, tock-tock, tock-tock… ↗

— Benson Bruno

#gossip #humor #time #funny

To the stupidity of men, " Dakota said, raising a glass. "And my brother, who is their king. ↗

— Susan Mallery

#girlfriend #humor #funny

Owen," Henry said excitedly, "I think Coach wants you to hit for Meccini." Owen closed The Voyage of the Beagle, on which he had recently embarked. "Really?" "Runners on first and second," Rick said. "I bet he wants you to bunt." "What's the bunt sign?" "Two tugs on the left earlobe," Henry told him. "But first he has to give the indicator, which is squeeze the belt. But if he goes to his cap with either hand or says your first name, that's the wipe-off, and then you have to wait and see whether--" "Forget it," Owen said. "I'll just bunt. ↗

— Chad Harbach

#humor #art

My bootlegger used up all the whiskey when he went on that drive, but I drank his gasoline before he left. I really should have checked his tank before chugging that bottle. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

Weetzie could see him--it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. "Lanky Lizards!" Weetzie exclaimed. "Greetings," said the man in an odd voice, a rich, dark purr. "Oh, shit!" Weetzie said. "I beg your pardon? Is that your wish? ↗

— Francesca Lia Block

#funny #genies #humor #weetzie-bat #wishes

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was. Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humour #intelligence #stupidity #funny

Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #politics #speeches #funny

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#birthday #funny #humor #funny

He sniggered. He didn't like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half an hour now. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#humor #laugh #funny

IMBECILE!" the chef shouted. "Next time why don't you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are you understanding what I am telling you? It is part of the art form of cooking, yes? A lovely plate of food is a thing of beauty! And then you, NUMBSKULL, come along and put your fat greasy FINGERS all over my plate, and SHAKE the plate, and move my food all around the plate until it looks like pigs' vomit!" "Chef Vlad!" I cried out in delight. ↗

— Kenneth Oppel

#humor #kate #matt #skybreaker #art