#hum

If everyone listened to me, the world would be a better place. ↗

— Aviva Moore

#humor #inspirational #funny

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #odd #strange

Low-functioning savants don’t qualify to be human calculators, just ballpark announcers. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #savant-syndrome #funny

He's a good boy, he takes instruction well; I just can't think of enough things to tell him not to do. ↗

— Ferrol Sams

#humor

Ah, James, our James," she says, sounding wistful. "Can't live with him, can't kill him slowly enough." - Callie (pg. 141) ↗

— Cody McFadyen

#humor

Don't wear perfume in the garden - unless you want to be pollinated by bees! ↗

— Anne Raver

#humor #humor

Love is wealth, and the wealthy get taxed heavily. The universe is God’s welfare system, and communion is like standing in line for food stamps. When I get to the front, I’m chugging the wine. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #money #food

The world is a state of mind, so choose your profession according to your state, because a lot of governments kill intellectuals ↗

— Benson Bruno

#government #humor #intellectuals #funny

I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one. ↗

— Criss Jami

#attraction #fantasy #funny #funny-but-true #gallant

I'd like to thank William the conqueror for the Normandy Conquest. Because of him I've been speaking French every time I say the pledge of allegiance on D-day. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #language #normandy #funny