#hum

After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor #humor

But just to make sure, I went down to the library, switched on the computer and typed ‘vampire vs. werewolf fight winner’ into the Google search browser. The machine whirred for zero point twenty-three seconds before it came up with some four million results. Obviously, I wasn’t the only nutter interested in this stuff. I clicked on the first link and groaned. Over sixty per cent thought a werewolf would kick a vamp’s ass any time. Dammit! ↗

— Jayde Scott

#bewitched #humor #jayde-scott #humor

She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. "Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you're not a vampire, you're clearly the most anemic goth I've ever seen."... "We believed you. Because that's what friends do." pg267 October to Vlad ↗

— Heather Brewer

#friends #goth #humor #october #vampire

They've strengthened the walls since last year. I wouldn't fancy trying to storm the place." "Don't pretend you'd have the guts to storm the place" "I wouldn't fancy telling someone else to storm the place" "Don't pretend you'd have the guts to give the orders" "I wouldn't fancy watching you tell someone else to storm the place." "No. ↗

— Joe Abercrombie

#humor

She narrowed her eyes and concentrated on his mouth. Name. He wanted her name. She had to think about it for a second before she remembered. Great. She must have hit her head. Which, duh, explained the headache. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#humor

Sin hacerle caso, acaricié cariñosamente el cabello de su yo inconsciente. —¡Te has dejado K.O. A ti mismo! ¿Aún recuerdas lo cruel que fuiste conmigo por eso? Gideon sonrió débilmente. —Sí, lo recuerdo —dijo—. Y lo siento de verdad. Pero ¿quién puede contar con que pase algo así? ¡Ahora ven de una vez! Antes de que ese tonto se despierte. Hace rato que ha entregado la carta. —Y, a continuación, soltó unas cuantas palabras francesas tras las que supuse que se ocultaban otras tantas maldiciones jugosas, porque recurrió varias veces, igual que su hermano antes, a la palabra merde. ↗

— Kerstin Gier

#humor

At least, you two have decent manners," says Effie as we're finishing the main course. "The pair last year ate everything with their hands like a couple of savages. It completely upset my digestion." ... My mother taught Prim and me to eat properly, so yes, I can handle a fork and knife. But I hate Effie Trinket's comment so much I make a point of eating the rest of my meal with my fingers. Then I wipe my hands on the tablecloth. This makes her purse her lips tightly together. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#humor

You are going to hurl yourself into a windstorm so you can fly into a prison? Why don't you write that sentence down and read it? Then perhaps you would realize how insane you are. ↗

— Eion Colfer Airman

#humor #humor

Goodreads sports some of the social awkwardness of middle school. If you are looking for a friend, I promise no matter your background or book preferences I will be your friend. :) ↗

— Red Phoenix

#social-commentary #truths #humor

You're a fine fastidious young man, as proud as a lion, as gentle as a girl. You'd make a good catch for the devil. ↗

— Honoré de Balzac

#coolness #eloquence #humor #swagger #humor