#hum

How would you like to star in your very own commercial?" "I'd rather swim in battery acid. ↗

— Robin Benway

#humor #wait #young-adult-fiction #humor

I get no sense from his note at all,” said Will, bounding to his feet, “except that he can quote Tennyson’s lesser poetry. Sophie, how quickly can you have Tessa ready?” “Half an hour,” said Sophie, not looking up from the dress. “Meet me in the courtyard in half an hour, then,” said Will. “I’ll wake Cyril. And be prepared to swoon at my finery. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor #humorous-quotations #will-herondale #humor

Jack and Jill ran up the hill, both for a little fun. Jack's plan was deception while Jill sought affection. And Jack wouldn't quit till he won. ↗

— Laurie Faria Stolarz

#humor

Ignorance is bold, and knowledge is reserved ↗

— Thucydides

#humor

I plead alignment to the flakes of the untitled snakes of a merry cow and to the republicrats for which they scam: one nacho, underpants with licorice and jugs of wine for owls. ↗

— Matt Groening

#pledge-of-allegiance #humor

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect. ↗

— Stephen Wright

#humor

Hi there," squeaked a precocious little voice, "you are speaking to Chloe Fusakawa, and I have just learned how to answer the phone. ↗

— Gabrielle Zevin

#kids #little-kids #technology #humor

Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue. ↗

— Mark Gungor

#relationships #humor

When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective. ↗

— Joseph Heller

#humor

It's not the tales of Stephen King that I've read, I need protection from the things in my head . . . ↗

— Jimmy Buffett

#humor #humor