#hum

Never marry something until you've established the perfect pizza ratio...The premise is simple. My husband and I knew we were made for each other because we're a 6:2 ratio, six slices for him and two for me...Never marry a man who wants two slices one week and four the next. They're undependable and highly unpredictable and will likely dump you for some Internet honey who says she doesn't mind his back hair. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#marriage #humor

Want to talk about it?" I asked gently. He smirked at me. "I appreciate the offer, but I'm a guy. We don't do that." My nose scrunched up in confusion. "We don't discuss our feelings." "That's a relief; I don't want to talk about it either. ↗

— Lani Woodland

#humor #humor

Clea and I were touring one of the cathedrals in Italy, and in front of the whole tour I go 'That's so cute! Look, they have birdbaths in the church! ↗

— Hilary Duff

#humor

I believe the defining moment was when certain persons, who shall remain nameless, objected to my fuchsia silk striped waistcoat. I loved that waistcoat. I put my foot down, right then and there; I do not mind telling you!" To punctuate his deeply offended feelings, he stamped one silver-and-pearl-decorated high heel firmly. "No one tells me what I can and cannot wear!" He snapped up a lace fan from where it lay on a hall table and fanned himself vigorously with it for emphasis. ↗

— Gail Carriger

#lord-akeldama #humor

Suddenly I blurted out. "I love you more than everything in the entire galaxy combined into one potent, delicious piece of gum! ↗

— The Harvard Lampoon

#humor

Something inside me shuts down and I'm too numb to feel anything. It's like watching complete strangers in another Hunger Games. But I do notice they omit the part where I covered her in flowers. Right. Because even that smacks of rebellion. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#rebellion #rue #humor

Cost to clean deeply soiled rugs: $200. Cost to replace shiny, black, stack-heeled, pilgrim-toed boots: $185. Cost to fix every single delicious table and chair leg in the house: $490. Life with two shelter dogs: fucking priceless. ↗

— Jen Lancaster

#humor

You can’t keep bitch-slapping your creativity, or it’ll run away and find a new pimp. ↗

— George Meyer

#creativity #humor #humor

Your cold, inflexible heart makes me burn to be inside you.” “Charmer. ↗

— G.A. Aiken

#rhona #vigholf #humor

Did you see that? Buffy just staked that poor vampire. He had yet to even do anything untowared, he just crawled out of his grave and she staked him. That is just not right. She is taking out her problems with that Angel fellow on a vampire, that is what she is doing. ↗

— Lynsay Sands

#humor