#hum

Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are? ↗

— John Green

#humor #teens #twitter #humor

A Dauntless Ferris wheel wouldn’t have cars. You would just hang on tight with your hands, and good luck to you. ↗

— Veronica Roth

#humor

Yes...and I'm worried that if you get into the habit of making out with your instructors, you'll wind up making out with him too." "Don't be sexist. They could find me a female instructor." "In that case, you have my permission to make out with her as long as I can watch. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#clary-and-jace #humor #mrotal-instruments #romantic #humor

It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon. Opal tapped this into her notepad. Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable? ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#fun #humor #humor

Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950’s. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead. ↗

— Chuck Palahniuk

#horror #trivia #humor

Why should any guy want to be only friends with a girl? It’s like agreeing to be near a chocolate cake and never eat it. It’s like sitting in a racing car but not driving it. ↗

— Chetan Bhagat

#humor

Madame Bellwings, Memoir Elf Coordinator, was not at all pleased with this request, because elves who write the memoirs of teenage girls have the habit of returning to the magical realm with atrocious grammar. They can't seem to shake the phrases "watever" and "no way," and they insert the word like into so many sentences that the other elves start slapping them...and for no apparent reason occasionally call out the name Edward Cullen. ↗

— Janette Rallison

#twilight #humor

Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space. ↗

— Kim Harrison

#humor #rachel-morgan #romance #vampire #humor

You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster. "With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat. ↗

— Lisa Kleypas

#humor #romance #humor

Nobody can be bad at everything. There’s no such thing as a perfect screwup. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #humor