#hum

I'm serious. She asked me what my greatest strength was. I said getting along with people." "That's not bad," I admitted. "Then she asked what my greatest weakness was. And I said, 'Where should I start?" "Adrian!" "Stop saying my name like that. I told her the truth. By the time I was on the fourth one, she told me I could go." I groaned and resisted the urge to beat my head on the steering wheel. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#humor

It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can't help being in a bit of a twitter at the prospect of putting it into practical effect. I explained this to Jeeves, and he said much the same thing had bothered Hamlet. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#hamlet #hesitation #humor #jeeves #shakespeare

I found a dead body in the cucumber patch,' I told them. 'How very like you,' Ophelia said, and went on preening her eyebrows. ↗

— Alan Bradley

#humor

I knew a Buddhist once, and I've hated myself ever since. ↗

— Hunter S. Thompson

#humor

A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#misery #moroseness #subconscious #humor

Ourchestra: So you haven't got a drum, just beat your belly. So I haven't got a horn-I'll play my nose. So we haven't any cymbals- We'll just slap our hands together, And though there may be orchestras That sound a little better With their fancy shiny instruments That cost an awful lot- Hey, we're making music twice as good By playing what we've got! ↗

— Shel Silverstein

#humor #poems #humor

She's easy to use." Laszlo pointed at the doll's neck. "You remove the clamp, insert the small funnel, select two quarts of your favorite blood from Romatech Industries, and fill her up." I see. Does she light up when she's running low?" Laszlo frowned. "I suppose I could put in an indicator light- ↗

— Kerrelyn Sparks

#humor

He'd kill you all right. No sweat. But for the wrong reasons. Amateur's reasons. Of course, you'll be just as dead. ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#murder #humor

Here I am Rock You Like a Hurricane. ↗

— Dave Eggers

#travel #velocity #humor

The Democratic Party supports criminals and Islamic terrorists but has no sympathy for taxpayers. ↗

— Ann Coulter

#politics #humor