#la

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue. ↗

— Mark Gungor

#relationships #humor

What New England is, is a state of mind, a place where dry humor and perpetual disappointment blend to produce an ironic pessimism that folks from away find most perplexing ↗

— Willem Lange

#dry-humor #humor #new-england #perplexing #pessimism

I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help. ↗

— George Carlin

#fellatio #humor #oral-sex #humor

He was a Frenchman, a melancholy-looking man. His aspect was that of one who has been looking for the leak in a gas pipe with a lighted candle. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#life #melancholy #misfortune #humor

The look in his eyes turned a little wild. "That's the only reason I'm letting you go. If I had any choice--" "You do," she said "Wed can all sit here and let him die. Or you can let Eve go on her wild-ass rescue mission and get herself killed. Or you can let sweet, calm, reasonable Claire go do some talking." He shook his head. His long, elegant hands, which looked so at home wrapped around a guitar, closed into fists. "Guess that means there's no choice." "Not really," Claire agreed. "I was kind of lying about that choice thing. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#claire-danvers #funny-humor #michael-glass #funny

Jazz hadn't given her many details of exactly what life in the Dent house had been like, but he'd told her enough that she knew it wasn't hearts and flowers. Well, except for the occasional heart cut from a chest. And the kind of flowers you send to funerals. ↗

— Barry Lyga

#humor

Shigure: We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass. ↗

— Natsuki Takaya

#fruits-basket #humor #laugh #shigure #humor

LADY BRACKNELL To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable. ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#engagement #humor #marriage #relationships #humor

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here. ↗

— Alan Rickman

#comedy #humor #humor