#lon

An evil spark flared in his eyes. "Trade: raccoon for some answers. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#funny #ilona-andrews #kaldar #raccoon #the-edge

She said, “You disgust me. How do you live with yourself?” So I said, “Like I live with my clone: with many pats on the back, accompanied by high flattery. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #funny

Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras, a priest in sheep’s clothing, or an IRS employee, I always wanted to be my own clone. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #irs #funny

When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to accompany me on the piano, but if I did that I wouldn’t be lonely, would I? And what’s the point of a saxophone if not to celebrate despair?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#celebrate #celebration #despair #funny #humor

This doesn't mean you're getting a discount." Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then." Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!" Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#fate-s-edge #funny #gnome #ilona-andrews #the-edge

Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #funny

I’m thinking of moving my cloning factory to someplace less visible, like in front of a fogged mirror. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#factory #funny #humor #funny

Postcards and postcolonialism are two things I advocate for people who can't afford to go on vacation. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #postcolonialism #vacation #funny

JESSICA: When did you last go to London? HUGH: When I read a Dickens novel. That was when I resolved never to travel there. ↗

— Bauvard

#britain #dickens #funny #humor #london

The head is a clumsy, ill-proportioned monstrosity. It is the understudy in a watermelon-rolling contest. ↗

— Bauvard

#heads #humor #watermelons #funny