#me

Mankind's biggest blunder, ignorance. Mankind's second, infallible. ↗

— M.T. Dismuke

#humor #hypocrisy #sigh #thank-you #humor

Want to play hangman? asks Theophile, and I ache to tell him that I have enough on my plate playing quadriplegic. But my communication system disqualifies repartee: the keenest rapier grows dull and falls flat when it takes several minutes to thrust it home. By the time you strike, even you no longer understand what had seemed so witty before you started to dictate it, letter by letter. So the rule is to avoid impulsive sallies. It deprives conversation of its sparkle, all those gems you bat back and forth like a ball-and I count this forced lack of humor one of the great drawbacks of my condition. ↗

— Jean-Dominique Bauby

#conversation #locked-in-syndrome #repartee #communication

Right, cause I'm bleeding all over the place for shits and giggles. ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#humor #meghan-chase #humor

I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg. I felt dirty and stupid. ↗

— Graham Parke

#humor #literature #humor

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker. ↗

— Graham Parke

#humor #philosophy #humor

I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion. ↗

— Franklin D. Roosevelt

#humor #proportion #united-states #usa #humor

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bull shit. ↗

— Richard Pryor

#richard-pryor #stand-up-comedy #vampires #humor

You wanna know why the world is f**ked? This is why, this is exactly why…right here. Get a pen, write this down, this is important…The world is f**ked up because I eat WonderBread preserved with formaldehyde that lasts three weeks and will never grow mold as long as it’s kept in its magic silver bag. The world is f**ked up because I know my cans of tuna have mercury in it. The world is f**ked up because I know my flake light tuna and WonderBread are poisonous, yet I still eat them! ↗

— Shannon Lyndsy

#humor #satire #humor

I undid the wrappings with great curiosity, for Holmes did not normally give gifts. I opened the dark velvet jewller's box and found inside a shiny new set of picklocks, a younger version of his own. "Holmes, ever the romantic. Mrs. Hudson would be pleased. ↗

— Laurie R. King

#humor #romance #sherlock-holmes #humor

Men don't ask other men if they're getting home OK, they just assume that beneath the frail, weak exterior lurks a muscle-building kung fu master fearless of ever being mugged. ↗

— Kate Griffin

#kate-griffin #men #the-midnight-mayor #humor