#mo

Dude, this is a stoner conversation and we're not even high ↗

— Libba Bray

#humor

...only someone who'd never been an animal would put up a sign saying not to feed them.... ↗

— Jonathan Safran Foer

#humor #humor

Casey doesn't trust him." "Casey doesn't trust anyone," I replied. "He's paranoid like that. I mean, come on, he's a werewolf who installed a nanny cam in his kids' room." I pointed my spoon at Ali for emphasis. "A nanny cam. ↗

— Jennifer Lynn Barnes

#humor #over-protectiveness #humor

Evelyn: There's nothing wrong with embracing one's emotions. Brittany: Mom, You don't just embrace your emotions, you make love to them hard-core. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#gena-showalter #humor #humor

Let me say right here, if I haven't made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so don't be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when you've been traumatized. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor

Becky Renee Apple - can you believe her mom named her that and then had all of her sweaters monogramed with 'BRA'? ↗

— P.C. Cast

#humor

I'm not stupid, stupid. Leave this whole thing in my extremely capable and well-manicured hands. I'll call you later with an update. Bye! ↗

— P.C. Cast

#humor

A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn't belong in a smart people's club. ↗

— Stephen King

#humor

I've won Satan's lottery. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#vampires #humor

It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion". ↗

— Jordan Sonnenblick

#euphemism #humor #parents #humor