#off

I don't know where my ideas come from. I will admit, however, that one key ingredient is caffeine. I get a couple cups of coffee into me and weird things just start to happen. ↗

— Gary Larson

#funny #humor #inspirational #funny

Coveralls," I reply, and I know I'm no longer screening what's coming out of my mouth. He raises a eyebrow, amused yet again. "You wouldn't want to ruin your clothing." I gesture vaguely in the direction of his jeans. "I could always take them off." He smirks. ↗

— E.L. James

#anastasia #anastasia-steele #christian #christian-grey #e-l-james

I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#conversation #conversations #humor #nod #nodding-off

When you open your mouth, listeners are offended.  When you close your mouth, the expectant are offended.  If a person seeks misdoing from you they will find it regardless of whether or not you deliver.  ↗

— Richelle E. Goodrich

#offense #richelle #richelle-goodrich #richelle-goodrich

Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#sarcasm #tell-off #wit #humor

This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut. ↗

— Daniel Handler

#cookies #humor #humor

Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#coffee #humor #humor

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #coffee #funny #humor #random

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. ↗

— Steven Wright

#back #coffee #i #instant #microwave

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#humor #offences #satire #humor