#or

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#humor #offences #satire #humor

Dude. Post-apocalyptic world. Who does job applications anymore?” “I do.” I squint at it, then him. “What are you paying me?” I angle. “Dude. Post-apocalyptic world. Who does money anymore.” I snicker. First sign of any sense of humor he’s shown. Then I remember where I am and why. I wad it up and throw it at him. It bounces off his chest. ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#ryodan #humor

So Henry," Puck said as he kicked off his shoes and propped his smelly feet on the kitchen table. "I was wondering what you can tell me about puberty." Henry turned pale and stammered. Sabrina wanted to crawl under the table and die. ↗

— Michael Buckley

#puberty #humor

Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today? Peanut: Yes we had a great day! Jose: No we did not. Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No we did not have a good day. Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day! What? Jeff: Did you have a good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: A good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa. Peanut: I took him to the spa! Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer. Peanut: It's the same thing!!! ↗

— Jeff Dunham

#humor #jeff-dunham #jose-jalapeno-on-a-stick #peanut #humor

So... you're an assassin?" Dave asked incredulously. "Why do I feel like you'd have used the same tone if I'd just confessed to being a stripper?" I demanded. "Sorry," he said quickly. "I'm just surprised, is all. ↗

— Jennifer Rardin

#humor

My feelings for you run very deep." - Loor Not deep enought, I guess." - Bobby (The Rivers of Zadaa) ↗

— D.J. MacHale

#humor #humor

God save me from idealists. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#idealism #thomas-raith #humor

God, you’re sexy when you talk Psy.”--Lucas to Sascha ↗

— Nalini Singh

#humor #nalini-singh #paranormal-romance #humor

So, Beav, tell me about yourself." "I'm Blue." "Sweetheart, if I had your dubious taste in men, I wouldn't be too happy, either." "My name is Blue. Blue Bailey. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#humore #natural-born-charmer #romance #susan-elizabeth-phillips #humor

Life is tough, then you die. ↗

— George Carlin

#reality #humor