#own

I’ll never go hungry, because I’m a pet owner and a meat eater. I used to own broccoli, but taking it for a walk in the park didn’t work out so well. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#broccoli #hunger #hungry #meat #park

Back from where? you're not going out again and leaving me here are you?? Holy Hercules I sound like somebody's wife ↗

— Ruth Downie

#ruth-downie #terra-incognita #valens #funny

Funny thing how it is. If a man owns a little property, that property is him, it's part of him, and it's like him. If he owns property only so he can walk on it and handle it and be sad when it isn't doing well, and feel fine when the rain falls on it, that property is him, and some way he's bigger because he owns it. Even if he isn't successful he's big with his property. That is so.' 'But let a man get property he doesn't see, or can't take time to get his fingers in, or can't be there to walk on it - why, then the property is the man. He can't do what he wants, he can't think what he wants. The property is the man, stronger than he is. And he is small, not big. Only his possessions are big - and he's the servant of his property. That is so, too. ↗

— John Steinbeck

#ownership #funny

Whenever he looks at me with those big brown eyes, I feel like giving him a nut,” she said. She even started calling the squirrels running around in the park Mr. Whitmans. ↗

— Kerstin Gier

#funny #likeness #squirrels #funny

I am not what I appear – I am much shallower than that. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #shallowness #funny

I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #mayor #populated #town #funny

As he flushed, an unexpected realization hit him. This is the Pope's toilet, he thought. I just took a leak in the Pope's toilet. He had to chuckle. The Holy Throne. ↗

— Dan Brown

#dan-brown #funny #humor #robert-langdon #toilet

You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab. "Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it! ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #myrnin #rachel-caine

Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck... but it was just a hug. His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead." Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #morganville-vampires #myrnin

listen, pal. I came here because I knew how worried you must be. But if you're going to talk to me like that, I'll fuck off home." The word racist brightened a little: the Anglo- Saxon was striking back against the Roman invader. ↗

— Nick Hornby

#home