#ps

Sure am glad I'm not royalty," I muttered. "I wouldn't want to have to bump uglies with someone I can't stand. On a regular basis. And no one else." "Ow!" I exclaimed, trying to yank my fingers from Trent but finding them caught. Then I colored, realizing what I'd said. "Oh… sorry," I stammered, meaning it. "That was insensitive." Trent's frown turned into a sly smirk. "Bump uglies?" he said, eyes on the table behind me. "You are a font of gutter slang, Rachel. We must do this again. ↗

— Kim Harrison

#relationships #humor

My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave. Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips) ↗

— Graham Parke

#humor #zombie #humor

Before he had time to figure it out, his walkie-talkie crackled and a voice came on. He punched a button. "Sheriff here. What's up?" "Someone called about a public disturbance behind schmitty's bar," a woman's voice reported. "Cathy use the proper code number," Billy growled. "There ain't no number for a guy acting like a cockroach!" the woman yelled. "he climbed into their Dumpster and he's wallowing in the trash. ↗

— Kerrelyn Sparks

#dumpster #sheriff #love

Bad relationships are not lucrative at all. There is far more at stake in good relationships. Good relationships keep divorces protracted, psychologists employed, and children in jail where they belong. Without them society would collapse! ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #marriage #relationships #society #therapy

When horsepower matches willpower, a road trip doesn’t end with the ocean. It only begins with a six pack. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #horsepower #humor #road-trips #willpower

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #compete #competition #competitive #delusional

I will teach you in time, but for now restrain me and have your way with me. I don’t want to think, I just want to feel.” -Jake ↗

— Laci Paige

#erotic #may-december-relationships #bdsm

Kyle’s shrill voice interrupted their moment. “Figured you two would turn this into a scout meeting. Will you get your asses up here? People are waiting. I mean Beckett here has maybe a few hours before he’s bent over a metal toilet getting it up the ass from a guy named Bubba. Do you want him to have fun now or not?” The streetlight illuminated Beckett as he appeared next to Kyle. “Why would I be the bitch? I don’t think that’s a fair f*cking assumption.” Kyle refused to look at him and crossed her arms. “Of course you’d be the bitch. You have dimples. Bitches have dimples. And I bet your ass is soft like two pillows. Bubba’s going to love bouncing off of you.” Beckett stormed away, dragging Kyle with him. “I’ll be the f*cker,” he told her. “Not the f*ckee. The f*cker.” “Fine, a$$hole, you’re the f*cker,” Kyle’s voice faded away as they returned to the party. ↗

— Debra Anastasia

#debra-anastasia #kyle #one-stellar-moment #poughkeepsie #love

I got my heart's desire, and there my troubles began. ↗

— Lev Grossman

#love #relationships #trouble #love

Winter is much like unrequited love; cold and merciless. ↗

— Kellie Elmore

#love #relationships #romance #seasons #unrequited-love