#sm

There are no crowds out there demanding to see smoking scenes in movies. ↗

— Joe Eszterhas

#demanding #movies #out #scenes #see

Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#flowers #funny #grow #smell #funny

I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #sex #funny

The nice thing about being an empty-headed pessimist is that that your glass is only half air. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #pessimism #funny

Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning I woke up with a torn groin muscle. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#frown #funny #groin #smile #funny

And who are you supposed to be? the King of snot-nosed delinquents? ↗

— Michael Buckley

#michael-buckley #ms-smurt #puck #funny

People love mystery, and that is why they love my paintings. ↗

— Salvador Dalí

#mystery #surrealism #art

As a salesman, it’s not enough to be able to sell a toilet to a man who’s got to pee. You’ve got to make him pay you for the privilege of pissing his pants. Don’t sell him a toilet. Don’t sell him pants. Sell him a privilege. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#privilege #salesman #sell #funny

Who cares even if I didn't?!" Conor shouted back. "They're just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!" The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words you say tell me you are scared of the berries, but your actions seems to suggest otherwise. ↗

— Patrick Ness

#funny #humor #monster #sarcasm #funny

A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever bathe again? ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #hygiene #funny