#to

God, I needed you," he murmured. "I can't even tell you how many times I thought about this. The funny thing is, I don't need you any less now. I think I need you more." ~Shane~ ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#dumbledore #funny #the-philosopher-s-stone #funny

I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cowboy #funny #happy-trail #humor #saloon

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one. ↗

— Tina Fey

#humor #whitney-houston #funny

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #motivation #today #tomorrow #funny

And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, "Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #prostrate #funny

Anthony Bridgerton leaned back in his leather chair,and then announced, "I'm thinking about getting married." Benedict Bridgerton, who had been indulging in a habit his mother detested—tipping his chair drunkenly on the back two legs—fell over. Colin Bridgerton started to choke. Luckily for Colin, Benedict regained his seat with enough time to smack him soundly on the back, sending a green olive sailing across the table. It narrowly missed Anthony's ear. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#funny #funny

Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.” A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach. “Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me? ↗

— Kiersten White

#funny-humor #hard-to-get #funny

It's funny, but certain faces seem to go in and out of style. You look at old photographs and everybody has a certain look to them, almost as if they're related. Look at pictures from ten years later and you can see that there's a new kind of face starting to predominate, and that the old faces are fading away and vanishing, never to be seen again. ↗

— Alan Moore

#fiction #photographs #time #funny

When I hear Jazz, my first instinct is to lean over to the guy next to me and whisper, "Fourth floor, please. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #jazz #music #funny