#to

He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?" "Like hitting on you." "Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee. "What? You think he does?" "Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood." "Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?" "Not enough coffee. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #michael-glass #morganville-vampires

Roger, he has a chain saw," I hissed. "I am not going to die in Kentucky! ↗

— Morgan Matson

#humor #humor

I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#errors #funny #humor #laser #lecture

Now, the impact on export markets - we export about 10 percent of what we produce, so obviously that will probably have some impact on the market. At this point it's too early to determine how much. ↗

— Ann Veneman

#determine #early #export #how #impact

In the re-creation of combat situations, and this is coming from a director who's never been in one, being mindful of what these veterans have actually gone through, you find that the biggest concern is that you don't look at war as a geopolitical endeavor. ↗

— Steven Spielberg

#been #being #biggest #combat #coming

The country needs someone with experience and determination to make tough decisions. All the money aside, it is important that Greece restore its reputation. ↗

— Evangelos Venizelos

#country #decisions #determination #experience #greece

What I'm mostly good at is sleeping, he once told me in confidence, but he added, I don't see much future in it. ↗

— Brian Andreas

#sleeping #story-people #humor

How do I define history? It's just one fucking thing after another" - Rudge ↗

— Alan Bennett

#humor #humor

What Turning Forty Means to Me I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn't used to have to do that. But now I do. ↗

— Tina Fey

#humor #humor

Emma this is not a joke. Look at your hands! They're... they're... wrinkled!" "Yes that's because-" "No way. I'm not going down for this. This isn't my fault." "Toraf-" "Galen will find some way to blame me though. He always does. 'You wouldn't have gotten caught if you didn't swim so close to that boat, tadpole.' No it couldn't be the humans fault for fishing in the first place-" "Toraf." "Or how about. 'Maybe if you'd stop trying to kiss my sister, she'd stop bashing your head with a rock.' How does my kissing her have anything to do with her bashing my head with a rock? If you ask me, it's just a result of poor parenting-" "Toraf." "Oh and my favorite: 'If you play with a lionfish, you're going to get pricked.' I wasn't playing with it! I was just helping it swim faster by grabbing its fins-" "TOR-AF." He stops pacing along the water, even seems to remember that I exist. "Yes, Emma? What were you saying? ↗

— Anna Banks

#humor #toraf #humor