#um

Gregory,” she said, “you cannot leave me here. What if someone finds you and removes you from the house? Who will know I am here? And what if…and what if…and then what if…” He smiled, enjoying her officiousness too much to actually listen to her words. She was definitely herself again. “When this is all over,” he said, “I shall bring you a sandwich.” That stopped her short. “A sandwich? A sandwich? ↗

— Julia Quinn

#humor #sandwich #humor

Come, come," I said. "You may be a lord someday, but you aren't one yet. No need for the courtly manners, and certainly not the moody temper. If you're to be my escort tonight, I insist you be a cheery one. You can even insult me if you like. It always makes you feel better. ↗

— Julie Berry

#insult #humor

To sit and pass hour after hour in idle chatter with a roomful of strangers is to me the worst sort of torment. ↗

— Susanna Clarke

#humor

Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?" "What's the point of that, Miss?" the waiter said. "Tomorrow morning," Mabel said. ↗

— Libba Bray

#humor #humor

I wondered what the FML post would look like. "Today, when my father tried to shoot me, I found out he was an assassin monger who's been keeping my mom locked away in a secret facility for freaky killers. FML." Seriously. F.M.L. ↗

— Jus Accardo

#humor

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. ↗

— Herbert Hoover

#humor

We startled some strange, long-necked shaggy creatures that had been grazing in the field, and I swear one of them spit at Feniul. Hagen slipped off of Leontes'neck and started to follow the creatures into the little copse of trees they had taken shelter in, fascinated, but I called him back. "They spit."I said. "They probably bite as well." "They are ill tempered things,"Amacarin agreed."But I saw someone riding one yesterday. It did not look like a smooth-gaited beast, though." Now there was even more longing in Hagen's face." Luka started laughing. "I shall buy you one when you finish your apprenticeship." He told my brother. "It can be your mastery gift. A hairy, spitting cow horse. ↗

— Jessica Day George

#humor

Bubotubers,” Professor Sprout told them briskly. “They need squeezing. You will collect the pus —” “The what?” said Seamus Finnigan, sounding revolted. “Pus, Finnigan, pus,” said Professor Sprout. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

There's a boy who they call Pony! He's always acting gross and horny! He thinks he's got a lot down there, but he sure wears tiny underwear! ↗

— Cecily von Ziegesar

#humor

Hello?' 'Mum?' 'Yes! Who's that?.' 'Your only son.' A pause. 'Daniel?' To be fair, I'd only given her one clue. ↗

— Danny Wallace

#humor