#um

A man without a woman is like a pistol without a trigger; it is the woman who makes the man go off. ↗

— Victor Hugo

#humor #humor

My neighbor raised a shaking index finger to point at the saguaro. "That moving cactus...and the big bug...and you, you spooky bastard. What are you? I stuffed my hands in my pockets and grinned winningly at him. "Why, I'm the Antichrist, of course. ↗

— Kevin Hearne

#humor

This is one Fruit Loop beyond certifiable. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

As far as I'm concerned, I'm a middle-of-the-road moderate and the rest of you are crazy. ↗

— Ann Coulter

#politics #humor

Hang on. This Lord Voldything's back you say?... and now he's sending dismembers after you?... I see. Well that settles it, YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE BOY! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor

You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#mornings #humor

I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the front door; and all that was left of the mobscene was the head of a whacking big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere sort of way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#fish #humor #humor

My God, Jack - with a look like that, you two should just get a room. And try not to pick the one with a dead body next to it this time. ↗

— Julie James

#julie-james #romance #something-about-you #humor

Compromise is a stalling between two fools. ↗

— Stephen Fry

#foolishness #fools #humor #humor

I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe. ↗

— John Sandford

#humor