#um

Hi there," squeaked a precocious little voice, "you are speaking to Chloe Fusakawa, and I have just learned how to answer the phone. ↗

— Gabrielle Zevin

#kids #little-kids #technology #humor

Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue. ↗

— Mark Gungor

#relationships #humor

When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective. ↗

— Joseph Heller

#humor

It's not the tales of Stephen King that I've read, I need protection from the things in my head . . . ↗

— Jimmy Buffett

#humor #humor

Were you thinking about eating me?” Will inquired. “No!” “No one would blame you,” said Jem. “He’s very annoying. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#will-herondale #humor

Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#humor

The Coffee Guy, whose name is Rosie by the way, has moved to El Salvador.' I lied. This was not met with happy noises. 'He's turned his back on coffee and is in the wilds of Central America building houses for the poor. I think we should all take a moment away from our quest for coffee-satisfaction and think about this noble decision. As you clamor for caffeine and curse the hard-working but innocent staff at my store, Rosie is sitting in the bed of a beat-up pickup bumping across roads to make one room homes out of mud for those who have nothing at all ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#humor

I gave the Rayna back the phone and shook my head. "Ben and I are like brother and sister. That's gross." "Hey, I read Flowers in the Attic. It was kind of hot. ↗

— Hilary Duff

#humor

Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I'm out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#greek #humor #mythology #public-service-announcement #safety

The only really sane person in there is Igor, and possibly the turnip. And I'm not sure about the turnip. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#insanity #turnip #humor