#um

I've won Satan's lottery. ↗

— Christopher Moore

#vampires #humor

It's amazing--my parents call everything a discussion. If I were standing across the street, firing a bazooka at my mother, while my father was launching mortar back at me, and Jeffery was charging down the driveway with a grenade in his teeth, my parents would say we should stop having this public "discussion". ↗

— Jordan Sonnenblick

#euphemism #humor #parents #humor

I will sit here but an hour or two, then leave." I yawn. "So very long as that?" When he answers, there is a wry note in his voice. "I do have my reputation to protect. ↗

— R.L. LaFevers

#humor

I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen!" he squeaked and ran. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor #jeaniene #timmie #humor

Get up, you useless lump, get up! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#humor #j-k-rowling #humor

I figured something out," he said aloud. "The future is unpredictable." Hassan said, "Sometimes the kafir likes to say massively obvious things in a really profound voice. ↗

— John Green

#humor #humor

He laughed, tried to make it into a cough, inhaled at exactly the wrong moment, and then really did cough. ↗

— Robin McKinley

#humor

قد تكون الصفاقة رذيلة لكنك لا تستطيع أن تنكر أنها فى الوقت نفسه موهبة ↗

— محمد عفيفي

#humor

I myself have noticed my growing resemblance to a daffodil. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#humor

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor