#w

Now me,” said Mr. Vandemar. “What number am I thinking of?” “I beg your pardon?” “What number am I thinking of?” repeated Mr. Vandemar. “It’s between one and a lot,” he added, helpfully. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#wordplay #funny

Nix: We're not leaving without her. So unless you want permanent houseguests of the destructive sort, just hand her over. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#immortals-after-dark #kresley-cole #nix-the-ever-knowing #funny

Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and... reproduction. ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#humor #werewolves #humor

I like ducks." Jem observed diplomatically. "Esspecially the ones in Hyde Park." He glanced side ways at Will; both boys were sitting at the edge of a high table, thier legs dangling over the side. "Remember when you tried to convince me to feed pultry pie the the mallards in the park to see if you couls breed a race of cannibal ducks?" "They ate it too," Will reminisced. "Bloodthirsty little beasts. Never trust a duck. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#ducks #humor #jem #will #humor

When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side. ↗

— Nora Ephron

#dark-side #die #end #finish #first

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

The most important thing to remember is that the safe word is for the client; you bring mace. ↗

— Isa K.

#funny #humor #safe-words #funny

There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#corrupt #corruption #country #funny #humor

The skanky vamp biting for bucks on the dark end of state street is your ex boyfriend?" William asked. The look on William's face implied he hoped I washed after interacting with Parrish ↗

— Tate Hallaway

#garnet-lacey #william #funny

I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment. ↗

— Bauvard

#cynicism #disillusionment #funny #growing-up #humor