Babydaddy Confessions

I don't even know if I want forgiveness. But I find this overwhelming urge to confess. I can't keep it in. The father of my child admitted he still has feelings for me. It felt like I was in a dream. He was out of my life and our son's life for 11 years. We've made amends and we are all on good terms. But things have felt off. Weird. I get mixed signals from him. He told me today he is always happy to see me and he always looks forward to seeing me because he still has feelings for me. He never stopped. Then he dropped the real juggernaut: he wants to have sex with me. He thinks about it. I admitted I think about it, too. That's the part where I feel guilty. Well, the first part of it. I can't tell him no. I am dangerous when sex is involved. I'm a lust addict. I felt myself flushing with feelings of lust when he was talking to me. Thoughts and feelings were swirling around. All the fantasies I've had about him since he resurfaced were playing in my head. Him admitting feelings and that he wanted to have sex with me felt like a fantasy playing out in real time. He said he wasn't going to act on it, but then said no, he didn't trust himself either. And jokingly said "well, maybe" in regards to having an opportunity to act on his feelings. It was alluded to several times. Basically, if we at all had an opportunity, or wanted to create one, we could. We could cheat together. I have a boyfriend and he has a wife. I don't necessarily want to cheat on my boyfriend. It's not like a desire I have specifically. Just like he doesn't want to cheat on his wife and hurt her. But when it comes to me and lust--like I said, I'm dangerous. I don't trust myself. I couldn't say no. I don't know how to explain it. It's a familiar feeling. Being overtaken by lust and feeling like I'm not in control. I've dreamed about cheating "accidentally" and feeling the horrific shame of not being able to undo what I did, despite feeling devastated, feeling like I didn't act of my own will. That's what it has felt like in the past. Not being able to say no to someone because, well, I didn't want to say no. I can't separate the "want" from the "should". I shouldn't do it, but I want to. I shouldn't have this slice of cake, but I want it. I cannot deny myself that which I crave. He's a craving. I did not need him to tempt me, to exacerbate and amplify my feelings for him. Especially now that he resolved all the tension and mixed signals I was picking up, I don't have to wonder if he's being an asshole or if he's hot/cold to me because of whatever made up reason. It's all clear now. And what I'm picking up is that he's ready to throw down. If only we had a chance... I wonder if fantasizing about that moment will be enough to satiate my desire. Or if I will need to make it a reality.

#sex   #relationships   #babydaddy   #cheating   #infidelity