#ada

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. ↗

— Jon Stewart

#always #been #canada #could #country

I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?" "You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't." "There goes my Saturday. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#city-of-lost-souls #funny #humor #lambada #magnus-bane

First blood is mine. Last blood counts for more. --Artemis Entreri and Drizzt Do'Urden ↗

— R.A. Salvatore

#funny #lolz #funny

hornier than a bunny on ecstasy ↗

— Kyle Adams

#dirty #funny #kyle #play #funny

Zombies, deadheads, corpsicles. What's the difference? They don't care. They don't have feelings to hurt. ↗

— Daniel Waters

#funny-yet-mean #generation-dead #funny

He’d use this opportunity to impress Rick and show him that he did, in fact, have more to offer than just being a sexy skanktart. To show that he wasn’t just a brainless bimfoon, that’s when a bimbo breeds with a buffoon, resulting in a true, hot mess. ↗

— Kyle Adams

#drag #drag-queen #funny #kyle-adams #skanktart

Remove yourself, sir! ↗

— David McCullough

#david-mccullough #funny #history #john-adams #funny

She reached up to place her fingertips to his lips as she stared up at him with a warm, tender expression. "I wish you had come home to me so that I could have helped you." He pulled the cloth away from her face and stared at her for a hard second. "Had I known what was waiting for me, my lady, I would have." -Christian and Adara ↗

— Kinley MacGregor

#christian #kinley-macgregor #return-of-the-warrior #home

While Coach Hedge was having dinner on the foredeck, a wild pegasus appeared from nowhere,stampeded over the coach’s enchiladas, and flew off again, leaving cheesy hoof prints all across the deck. “What was that for?” the coach demanded. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#coach #humor #pegasus #humor

I've got a dad thanks. Your just the jerk who knocked up my mum and left her to figure out what to do with a son who likes setting things on fire." - Adam Vasic ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#humor #kelly-armstrong #thirteen #humor