#ai

Don’t think of it as an affair, think of it as the calming alone time before bachelorhood. Just make sure to catch it on videotape to establish grounds for divorce, and so your spouse can continue to use you for gratification in your absence. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #love #funny

I started down but Sam caught my arm and knelt down himself to look. "For crying out loud," he said. "It's a racoon." "Poor thing," I said. "It could be a rabid baby-killer," Cole told me primly. "Shut up," Sam said pleasantly. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#funny #grace-brisbane #prim #rabid #racoon

I think so,” she [Claire] said. “Just watch your back, okay?” “Nah, Michael’s got mine.” He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes. “I’ve got yours. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#eve-rosser #funny #ghost-town #humor #michael-glass

I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #gasoline #odd #waitress #funny

I'm going to take a wild guess here and say the hard-on you've been sporting all afternoon is not on account of Mr. Nicholson continually bending over to pick up the golf balls, right?" "For fuck's sake, Dad!" James cursed, looking horrified at his father, who just shrugged his shoulders at his son's shocked expression. "Whaaat? Just making sure," he added, hardly hiding his amusement. ↗

— Elle Aycart

#raises-eyebrows #funny

Sure. What's the worst that could happen." Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. "I can't frecking believe this." I cringed. "I'm so sorry." "I'm bald!" Giguhl continued. "I look like a freak." "It's not that bad," I said. But it was. Oh, my lord was it bad. I'd never seen an uglier cat in my entire life. ↗

— Jaye Wells

#funny #giguhl #haircut #sabina #funny

They came out in a dim, damp basement - a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. 'You take me to the nicest places,' Claire said, and sneezed. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#claire-danvers #funny #humor #myrnin #rachel-caine

You didn't have to go to the fireworks with him. Or - or let him fondle you." "Fondle?" Raisa raised her eyebrows, "When did I mention fondling? ↗

— Cinda Williams Chima

#funny #raisa #funny

Are you two you know?" Jacob pointed at us. " Together? Together? " I didn't get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was no friendly peck on the lips. When our tongues touched, my bag slipped off my arm and hit the frosted ground. "Holy crap," Jacob muttered. "I think they're going to make babies. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#cam #funny #j-lynn #jacob #jacob-massen

I know how to tell a woman I love her in seventeen syllables or less. I’m not talking about a haiku, I’m talking about grunts from an orgasm. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#haiku #orgasm #funny