#ai

I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #lovers #mermaid #pisces #funny

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. ↗

— Criss Jami

#funny-but-true #hell #humor #introversion #introvert

When she absently worried her bottom lip with one of her adorable little fangs, he sighed. The Enemy of Old fucking sighed. Dear gods, it’d finally happened to him. Happiness. Then his own fangs sharpened.I will kill anyone who tries to take this feeling away from me. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#funny #happiness #immortals-after-dark #kresley-cole #lothaire

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#funny #truth #funny

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back. ↗

— Bauvard

#hair #humor #morale #morals #funny

How'd you get to be so good at this?" "I had a good teacher." "Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass." "I mean you, dummy." "Oh. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #morganville-vampires #myrnin

She was staring at you.’’ ‘‘What can I say? Irresistible.’’ ‘‘Shane, it’s not funny. I just—you should be careful.’’ ‘‘Always am.’’ Which was an absolute lie. Shane’s eyes fixed on hers, and she felt a burst of heat inside that crept up to burn in her cheeks. He smiled slowly. ‘‘Jealous?’’ ‘‘Maybe.’’ ‘‘No reason. I like my ladies with a pulse. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#feast-of-fools #morganville-vampires #shane-collins #funny

Remember when we made love in the rain? You asked me to bring protection, and I brought a windshield wiper. That was my first time. I had never driven in the rain before that. I didn’t even own a car. I was saving up money and buying car parts one at a time until I had the whole thing. I didn’t even have a windshield yet, just the wiper. That was the first thing I bought. I was so proud of myself. Rain or shine, I carried that wiper with me everywhere I went. Though it works in a car, it doesn’t really work as well as an umbrella when you’re swinging it above your head in a sudden downpour. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#make-love #rain #funny

I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk. ↗

— Criss Jami

#funny #humor #humor-relationships #independence #jerk

Don’t think of it as an affair, think of it as the calming alone time before bachelorhood. Just make sure to catch it on videotape to establish grounds for divorce, and so your spouse can continue to use you for gratification in your absence. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #love #funny