#am

He punched me in the face," Ash said, who understandably did not seem to find the situation humorous at all. "And then he yelled at me for sleeping with our personal trainer!" "I was told breakup scenes were a good way to distract people," Jared said with beautiful simplicity. "Ash looked so surprised," Holly said. "He had no idea what was going on. He said, 'I didn't sleep with our personal trainer! We don't even have a personal trainer!'" Angela and Holly giggled. Ash held the back of his hand to his bleeding mouth and glared. Jared was still grinning like a maniac. "In that case," he told Ash solemnly, "I will consider taking you back. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#ash #break-ups #cousins #distractions #holly

Wikkity, every time you punch a ninja…an angel gets its wings ↗

— Eric Anderson

#humor

Something you killed didn't stay dead? Wow. That must have really put some termites in your coffin. ↗

— Christopher Farnsworth

#humor #paranormal-suspense #vampires #humor

Since i couldn't remember the "real" first time i'd lost my virginity, this would have become my de facto first time. I wanted a better story then: I did it with this boy who i wasn't very into and who had mysterious Gaterade breath; in his room decorated with sports equipment; at least he was nice enough to provide condoms and get his ancient, horny dog to leave us along. ↗

— Gabrielle Zevin

#gabrielle-zevin #humor #naomi #sex #humor

Pizza is like the entire food pyramid! ↗

— Madeline Oles

#humor #pizza #food

MEG (to Dante, the vampire):“Vampires aren’t as cool as I expected them to be. In romance novels, vampires are all dark and broody and sexy. In real life, you talk an awful lot about stocks. ↗

— Sophie Oak

#paranormal-romance #vampires #humor

Aren't the Amish against violence? Yes, but you see, I'm not very good at being Amish...so remember what I say. ↗

— Kelly Long

#humor #humor

Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics? ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humor #series #vampires #humor

Dressing, I chose the second shirt, the one softened in the mouth of a trained and perfumed albino hippopotamus and made entirely of pigeon's wool, because it goes better with the shoes than the one stitched with baby hair. ↗

— Nick Harkaway

#humor #shirt #wool #humor

The room continued to spin though she was standing still, but her ears were hot. She felt like she'd just slammed three doubles of tequila and needed a fistfight chaser. ↗

— Michael R. Underwood

#geek #humor #urban-fantasy #humor