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But secretly I knew I had been transformed, moved by the revelation that human beings create art, that to be an artist was to see what others could not. ↗
Even in the midst of flowing time, I feel languid, look, spinning around and around. I can't even see the heart that's leaving me, yes, I don't know I can't even get myself to move, I continue to be washed down the cracks of time. I don't know anything about what's around me, I'm just me and no more. Am I dreaming? Am I seeing nothing? My words are useless even if I speak. I'm just tired of being sad, I should go on without feeling anything. Even if I'm given the words I'm at a loss for, my heart just won't pay attention. If I move myself away, if I change everything, I’ll turn it black. Is there a future for someone like me? Do I exist in a world like this? Is this painful now? Is it sad now? Not even knowing myself. I'm just tired even of walking, I don't even understand people. If someone like me can change, if I can change, will I turn white? Even in the midst of flowing time, I feel languid, look, spinning around and around. I can't even see the heart that's leaving me, yes, I don't knowI can't even get myself to move, I continue to be washed down the cracks of time. I don't know anything about what's around me, I'm just me and no more. Am I dreaming? Or seeing nothing? My words are useless even if I speak. I'm just tired of being sad, I should go on without feeling anything. Even if you give me the words I'm at a loss for, my heart just won't pay attention. If I can move, if I change everything, I’ll turn it black. Does a future exist in wasted time? Do I exist in a place like this? If I want to talk about me, if I make myself heard, I'll say I'm "Bad Apple" Do I exist at a place like this? Do I exist at a time like this? If someone like me can change, if I can change, will I turn white? Am I dreaming now? Am seeing nothing? My words are useless even if I speak. I'm just tired of being sad, I should go on without feeling anything. Even if you give me the words I'm at a loss for, my heart just won't pay attention. If I can move, if I change everything, I’ll turn it black. If I move, if I move, I’ll destroy everything, I’ll destroy everything. If I grieve, if I grieve, can my heart turn white? I still don’t know about you, about myself, about everything. If I open my heavy eyelids, if I break everything, then turn black! ↗
When I was a kid," Orr replied, "I used to walk around all day with crab apples in my cheeks. One in each cheek." ... A minute passed. "Why?" [Yossarian] found himself forced to ask finally. Orr tittered triumphantly. "Because they're better than horse chestnuts... When I couldn't get crab apples," Orr continued, "I used horse chestnuts. Horse chestnuts are about the same size as crab apples and actually have a better shape, although the shape doesn't matter a bit." "Why did you walk around with crab apples in your cheeks?" Yossarian asked again. "That's what I asked." "Because they've got a better shape than horse chestnuts," Orr answered. "I just told you that." "Why," swore Yossarian at him approvingly, "you evil-eyed, mechanically aptituded, disaffiliated son of a bitch, did you walk around with anything in your cheeks?" "I didn't," Orr said, "walk around with anything in my cheeks. I walked around with crab applies in my cheeks. When I couldn't get crab apples I walked around with horse chestnuts. In my cheeks. ↗
I was Jake's insurance policy. He thought maybe he wouldn't have to use me. He hoped, anyway. But down deep he knew, and I knew, and we both hid the truth from the others because Cassie couldn't let Jake make that decision, and Tobias couldn't let me, and those two, by loving us, would have screwed everything up. It was a war, after all. A war we had to win. ↗
