#ate

I want to leave a legacy. I'll leave him in the trunk, tied up, at a parking garage on the campus of the university where he graduated. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#graduated #humor #legacy #university #funny

When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to accompany me on the piano, but if I did that I wouldn’t be lonely, would I? And what’s the point of a saxophone if not to celebrate despair?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#celebrate #celebration #despair #funny #humor

This doesn't mean you're getting a discount." Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then." Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!" Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#fate-s-edge #funny #gnome #ilona-andrews #the-edge

Abel was brushing the snow off his parka while Micha was dancing around him, still balancing the plate of cookies, singing, 'We're staying, we're staying, we're staying overnight! We're drying! We're drying! We're drying on the line! ↗

— Antonia Michaelis

#antonia-michaelis #funny #micha-and-abel #micha-tannatek #sweet

Anna took his hand to gauge the swelling. 'Let's at least put something cold around it. Frozen peas work pretty well.' 'Do I have to eat them?' 'No, you just have to inject them into a vein,' Anna said. ↗

— Antonia Michaelis

#abel-tannatek #antonia-michaelis #frozen-peas #funny #the-storyteller

I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #mayor #populated #town #funny

Afore me! It is so very late, That we may call it early by and by. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#funny #late-to-bed #funny

I guess it was what my friend Phoolendu at the yoga studio would call kismet. That's like fate, but much more dramatic. ↗

— Robin Palmer

#funny #kismet #funny

... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything. ↗

— E.A. Bucchianeri

#dark-humor #ego #egotism #egotist #funny

Excellent posture is the most important personality trait in an effective salesman. It allows him to pass for a vertebrate. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #personality #posture #salesmen #vertebrates