#cans

Captain Smek himself appeared on television for an official speech to humankind. [...] 'Noble Savages of Earth,' he said. 'Long time we have tried to live together in peace.' (It had been five months.) 'Long time have the Boov suffered under the hostileness and intolerableness of you people. With sad hearts I now concede that Boov and humans will never to exist as one.' I remember being really excited at this point. Could I possibly be hearing right? Were the Boov about to leave? I was so stupid. 'And so now I generously grant you Human Preserves - gifts of land that will be for humans forever, never to be taken away again, now.' [...] So that's when we Americans were given Florida. One state for three hundred million people. There were going to be some serious lines for the bathrooms. ↗

— Adam Rex

#humor #invasion #irony #native-americans #parody

My feeling toward Republicans is like my feeling about sharks: of course they're stupid and vicious. It's in their nature to be mindless, ravening killing machines. It's nothing personal. They don't know any better. Pretty much the only thing you can do about them is stay out of their waters and, if you're unlucky enough to meet with one, shoot it through its rudimentary brain with a spear gun. ↗

— Tim Kreider

#politics #republicans #sharks #humor

On the other hand, when you grow up you will discover that some of the people in this world never passed beyond the stage of the cave-man. ↗

— Hendrik Willem Van Loon

#cave-men #caveman #cavemen #humor #ignorance

Where, indeed? Captain Vincent Reed had been born in the city of Richmond, Virginia, of northern parents who were stationed there by the telegraph company. He had attended West Point and he thought he knew something about warfare, having served under General Pope in his long and futile struggle against General Stonewall Jackson. Those men were fighters who would face the enemy till the last bullet was fired, but neither would participate in such a slaughter. Reed had had his troops in position. He was quite prepared to rush in for the kill, and he had positioned himself so that he would be in the vanguard when his men made their charge against the guns of the young braves threatening the left flank. But when he saw that the enemy had no weapons, that even their bows and arrows were not at hand, and that he was supposed to chop down little girls and old women, he rebelled on the spot, taking counsel with no one but his own conscience. ↗

— James A. Michener

#native-americans #slaughter #men

The left claims that Republicans hate Hispanics, which is just the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard, and the right just claims all we need to do is close the borders and do nothing else, which is also ridiculous. ↗

— Raul Labrador

#borders #claims #close #else #ever

Latins for Republicans - it's like roaches for Raid. ↗

— John Leguizamo

#like #raid #republicans

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too. ↗

— Oscar Levant

#allow #between #corrupt #democrats #difference

Romney still enjoys the Republicans' traditional advantage among voters who are veterans, but the Obama campaign is confident it can chip away at that. ↗

— Mara Liasson

#among #away #campaign #chip #confident

After the Republican Party did everything that Colin Powell says it needs to do to grow, and nominated the very kind of candidate he wanted in 2008, what did Powell do? He endorsed Obama! So according to the Drive-Bys and David Gergen, Republicans should let somebody who campaigned and voted for Obama, tell us how to build our party. ↗

— Rush Limbaugh

#after #build #campaigned #candidate #colin

Republicans are for both the man and the dollar, but in case of conflict the man before the dollar. ↗

— Abraham Lincoln

#both #case #conflict #dollar #man