#ch

..when the first rubber ball smacked her in the head and made her brains rattle in her skull, she knew that something about this dodgeball game was different ↗

— Michael Buckley

#funny #michael-buckley #funny

The healing power of charity, bestowed by our Father and made possible by the Atonement of Jesus Christ, can make it virtually impossible for us even to feel emotions common to the natural man. ↗

— Sheri L. Dew

#charity #inspirational #lds #inspirational

What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless. ↗

— Bill Bryson

#attack #bear #camp #camping #funny

I used to be such a militant city-ist, but more and more I've seen forests and nature and oceans, and I don't know any more if this is the awesomest way to live. ↗

— Regina Spektor

#forests #i #know #live #militant

That streetside tree is obscuring the air. Cut it down. Haul it in for questioning. There are secrets within that foliage. You might want to separate the branches in different rooms and apply some elementary game theory.” “Question a plant?” “Trees have a will too, just like people. We have to know it’s purpose. Read Schopenhauer.” “Schopenwho?” “He was the only authentic German. You might like him. Being a police officer, you’re undoubtedly familiar with the need to put an end to the lives of the perverse when sex crimes go too far. Now just generalize that necessity to every human being. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #schopenhauer #trees #will #funny

Great minds think alike-especially when they are female. ↗

— Christina Dodd

#dowager-queen #funny #funny

Right now I'm doing four shows at a time, trying to read four outlines every week, four scripts every week, and watching four rough cuts; it's a lot of good work. It's fun to do it, but it does wear you out. ↗

— Aaron Spelling

#does #doing #every #four #fun

At least you left out the oh-my-God sauce this time." "Made myself a batch with it," Shane said. "It's got the biohazard sticker on it in the fridge, so don't bitch if you get flamed. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#chilli #funny #morganville-vampires #funny

Vanilla has become too genericized. It’s become standard, which is good. Vanilla is a household name. But the same standardization that’s made it so popular has taken the novelty out of it. Being the vanguard of ice cream has vanquished its radical sensation. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#commonplace #funny #ice-cream #vanilla #funny

Its a good thing I'm here, big guy, because you have shit taste in friends." Okay, I said the last part intentionally, knowing how Aaron would react. And right on cue, Aaron said: "He's not my friend!" "Well, I guess that settles it, Nick. You're not going to be rebound guy because, despite your predictions of woe, Aaron and I aren't breaking up. I'd say that we'll see you around, but I doubt that'll happen since you don't even rate friend status. ↗

— Cardeno C.

#funny-as-hell #m-m-romance #funny