#co

You have to tell him ‘go toodles, Bits, go toodles for momma,’” I said, pitching my voice high in imitation, “or else he won’t go.” Blane looked at me. “I’m not doing that,” he said flatly. “But then he’ll go on the bed,” I protested. “How about I just point my gun at him,” he deadpanned. ↗

— Tiffany A. Snow

#blane #humor #kathleen-turner #humor

To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#humor #penmanship #humor

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. ↗

— George Carlin

#george-carlin #humor #philosophy #humor

He has artistry," he repeated. "Because that's what it takes to blow things up. And cook his arm. ↗

— Tamora Pierce

#humor #tamora-pierce #humor

It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it. ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#fame #humor #kaling #mindy #murder

Liz asked me the other day what I thought about twice baked potatoes. How the fuck should I know? Was I supposed to be thinking about twice baked potatoes all this time? Is this where I went wrong? Are grown men supposed to have an opinion about twice baked potatoes? ↗

— Tara Sivec

#futures-and-frosting #humor #marriage #tara-sivec #humor

Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I'm out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#greek #humor #mythology #public-service-announcement #safety

I'm not racist, I've got a black president ↗

— Dane Cook

#humor #humor

You have a valid complaint, and I do recognize it ... but you are reading into things a little bit. Just the same, I will do my best to make horrible things happen to a bunch of white people before something else so graphic hits a minority character. ↗

— Robert Kirkman

#comics #humor #humor

Never attribute to malevolence what is merely due to incompetence ↗

— Arthur C. Clarke

#incompetence #social #humor