#d

It took a long moment, but Gerard finally raised his head and looked Jon in the eye. “It meant that I have not been honest with you, Jon Calder, and if you are to understand the danger you are in now, I must tell you everything, no matter if you believe me or not. ↗

— Hank Edwards

#medieval #time-travel #erotic-romance

In another language, I’ll bet the word “Agatha” means “To shine one’s shoes with the water from a toilet made of tin foil.” Thinking about all the microwave safe words in the universe makes my feet sweat. I need some new Band Aids. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#random #funny

We were in the middle of a scene, and this crazy woman comes roaring out of the crowd, screaming, grabs my whip, and damned if she didn’t punch me.” Rubbing his reddened chin, the man’s lips curved a little. “It’s almost funny, but still, she ruined our scene. ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#erotic-romance #funny #romance #funny

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns. ↗

— David Wong

#random #funny

I may not carry a detective’s badge, but I’m certainly the highest ranking member of Albatross Harbor’s neighborhood watch program. And like tilapia, I know something smells fishy when I taste it. In my neighborhood, nobody can take a shit in their own backyard without me knowing about it. I’m like Spencer Tracy mixed with Miss Marple, with a little maple syrup on top. I am the pancake that’s served and protects, without the financial or emotional support of the community at large. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #funny

Maybe I'd think that, too, Caesar," says Petta bitterly, "if it weren't for the baby." There. He's done it again. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#katniss

I took a bite of lobster meat with rice. It was quite tasty. 'Arguing the morality of slaughter will send you into a tailspin of self-loathing every time.' 'Unless you're a vegan.' 'Uh-huh. But then you're a vegan and you don't count. ↗

— Julie Powell

#funny #vegan #food

It’s funny,” she said reflectively, “but I always used to think that if only I was slimmer everything in my life would be all right. I didn’t realize until it happened that it would just open up a whole new set of problems.” ~Maxine ↗

— W. Soliman

#funny

I started to crawl off; then I remembered my leftover pizza, and I peeled off the salami, pepperoni, and anchovies and placed them on the CD tray (whicn no one used these days with flash drives around)on Boone's computer. I hit the close button and watched the smelly part of my delicious dinner slide away. Boone would have a great time wondering 'where's that smell coming from? ↗

— Duffy Brown

#comedy #funny #humor #mystery #pizza

I beg your pardon; I am drunk without a drink. English wine & words are vulnerable to every man. ↗

— Santosh Kalwar

#english #funny #man #vulnerable #funny