#dr

Remember what to do when you're at the bottom of a hole? You've got to stop digging. ↗

— Carolyn Mackler

#love

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#children #fathers #funny #humor #funny

To demand that a person pee in a cup whenever you wish him to, without a documented reason to suspect that he has been using an illegal drug, is intolerable in our republic. You are saying to him, "I wonder if you are not behaving in a way that I approve of. Convince me that you indeed are. Outrageous. Intolerable. ↗

— Alexander Shulgin

#shulgin #society #love

Well enough,” I reply. “Remember, you’re drunk. And happy. You’re supposed to be lusting over your escort. Try smiling a little more.” Day plasters a giant artificial smile on his face. As charming as ever. “Aw, come on, sweetheart. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I got my arm around the prettiest escort on this block—how could I not be lusting over you? Don’t I look like I’m lusting? This is me, lusting.” His lashes flutter at me. He looks so ridiculous that I can’t help laughing. Another passerby glances at me. “Much better. ↗

— Marie Lu

#humor #lust #pretending #humor

I didn't know this before, but as it turns out, Tyrannosaurs can really haul ass. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #humor

You know, I preferred you as an evil monk. Would have made killing you a whole lot easier. ↗

— Chris d'Lacey

#firestar #humor #killing #magic #monks

Ourchestra: So you haven't got a drum, just beat your belly. So I haven't got a horn-I'll play my nose. So we haven't any cymbals- We'll just slap our hands together, And though there may be orchestras That sound a little better With their fancy shiny instruments That cost an awful lot- Hey, we're making music twice as good By playing what we've got! ↗

— Shel Silverstein

#humor #poems #humor

Jason felt humiliated and frustrated. Rejected by a rock. ↗

— Cinda Williams Chima

#humor #jason-haley #humor

You’re playing the creepy vibe a little hard,” I said. “Might as well go for broke, put on a black top hat and pipe in some organ music. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#harry-dresden #humor #humor

Any time I’m not shooting my mouth off to a clichéd, two-bit creature of the night like you, it’s because I’m up to something. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#humor #humor