#ed

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' ↗

— Emo Philips

#asked #father #girlfriend #had #hello

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' ↗

— Emo Philips

#another man #bed #crushed #discovered #get

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. ↗

— Emo Philips

#gave #guns #our #school #searched

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? ↗

— Emo Philips

#days #factories #good #happened #ole

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. ↗

— Emo Philips

#first #get #had #hot #i

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! ↗

— Emo Philips

#always #ask #i #kennedy #know

It took me a long time to get selected as an astronaut. In fact, I applied for 20 years before I was selected. ↗

— John L. Phillips

#astronaut #before #fact #get #i

It's nice that people want to compliment you in some superficial way, but I've never considered that that's how I might be categorized. I guess it's better than being called ugly. ↗

— Ryan Phillippe

#better #called #categorized #compliment #considered

Granted, there are times when, for business reasons, you do something that's more mainstream. But even then, I try to find something that has a dark or subversive aspect. ↗

— Ryan Phillippe

#business #dark #even #find #granted

Home life's great, man. The kids are great, happy and healthy. I've reached this sort of wonderful precipice. ↗

— Ryan Phillippe

#great #happy #healthy #home #i