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Emo Philips

Read through the most famous quotes from Emo Philips




I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


— Emo Philips


#religion #forgiveness

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.


— Emo Philips


#being #day #every #every day #get

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.


— Emo Philips


#hand #here #how #many #people

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.


— Emo Philips


#door #friend #i #imaginary #kid

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.


— Emo Philips


#costume #dress #get #little #live

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.


— Emo Philips


#blanks #children #down #go #i

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.


— Emo Philips


#beat #checkers #computer #i #kickboxing

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.


— Emo Philips


#away #charge #contained #dollars #first

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.


— Emo Philips


#alone #i #night #other #sleeping

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.


— Emo Philips


#asked #bicycle #every #every night #forgive






About Emo Philips

Emo Philips Quotes




Did you know about Emo Philips?

Philips has several voiceover credits including work on the animated series Dr. Personal life
Through his formative years before taking the pseudonym under which he performed Philips' given name was Phil Soltanek. Career
Philips has recorded three comedy albums.

Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians and garden path sentences spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant.

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