Emo Philips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. ↗

— Emo Philips

#been #day #devil #family #family member

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. ↗

— Emo Philips

#asked #caught #childbirth #either #ever

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. ↗

— Emo Philips

#blanks #children #down #go #i

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. ↗

— Emo Philips

#bars #get #go #gum #hoping

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. ↗

— Emo Philips

#beat #checkers #computer #i #kickboxing

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. ↗

— Emo Philips

#givers #hate #i #indian #know

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. ↗

— Emo Philips

#children #down #firing #go #i

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. ↗

— Emo Philips

#because #devil #life #loved #murder

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. ↗

— Emo Philips

#got #i #me #new #other

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ↗

— Emo Philips

#asked #bicycle #every #every night #forgive