#ge

Did I hurt you in the parking lot?" "No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car." Great. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#fate-s-edge #funny #george #ilona-andrews #the-edge

The only way to make sure that the Hand didn't get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could've done it, but I didn't. I just gave him some drugs." "You gave an addict in rehab drugs, and you want credit for it?" "Of course it sounds bad when you put it that way. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#audrey #fate-s-edge #funny #ilona-andrews #kaldar

And if that is the Foremast, what do you think that sail might be called, Mr. Wheeler?" "The Foresail?" "Very good, Mr. Wheeler, and the next one up would be called..." ..."The Next Sail, Sir?" "Alas, no, Mr. Wheeler. ↗

— L.A. Meyer

#sails #under-the-jolly-roger #funny

If you do bad stuff and don't repent, you go to hell," Orc said, like he was begging for a refutation. "Yeah, well, you know what? If Howard's in hell, I guess we can all have a big get-together soon enough. a ↗

— Michael Grant

#funny #get-togethers #hell #orc #repenting

What do you see in him anyway?” “He doesn’t leave the toilet seat up.” I smiled bitterly ↗

— Jayde Scott

#funny #funny

Zombies, deadheads, corpsicles. What's the difference? They don't care. They don't have feelings to hurt. ↗

— Daniel Waters

#funny-yet-mean #generation-dead #funny

Cat's friends seemed like very sweet girls," Dad says. "They were the bomb," I say fervently, and he looks back at me with raised eyebrows. "'The bomb' is a good thing? Like 'sick'? "Duh," I reply, and Dad lets out a sigh. "Thirteen-year-olds should come with subtitles," he says, turning onto our street. ↗

— Maya Gold

#language #oldies #sick #subtitles #youngsters

Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne. ↗

— Daniel Waters

#generation-dead #phoebe #funny

You have two emotions—apathy and rage—and nothing in between.” Ellie wanted him to stop, but she could hear the truth in his words. She closed her eyes for his killing blow. “It’s like you’re not even a person. You’re an…organism.” “That’s not true.” Ellie forced her eyes open. “I am a person. I’m just not good at it. ↗

— S.G. Redling

#funny

Propping the mirror against the wall near the door, he waved a hand at it and clipped, "Drustan: Cian MacKeltar. Cian: Drustan MacKeltar." "Dageus," Drustan's voice was soft as velvet, never a good sign, "why are you introducing me to a mirror? ↗

— Karen Marie Moning

#dageus #drustan #funny #highlander #karen-marie-moning