#ge

Mortgages are the best way to get people thinking about the afterlife. Corporate realty is an eternal corporeality. ↗

— Bauvard

#heaven #humor #mortgages #real-estate #funny

When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #cats #curls #dance #dancing

Peaches found herself wondering if Mary, a tiny brunette with an unprepossessing manner and less than ‘stellar’ work ethics, had to play Where’s Waldo to find Steve’s dick beneath his gigantic waistline. ↗

— A.T. Hicks

#funny #outrageous-behavior #penis-size #funny

My marriage is crumbling and this hat is all I have left in the world - aside from my brilliant wit, my dastardly good looks, and my charming accent. ↗

— Bauvard

#hats #humor #marriage #funny

If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.
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— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#funny #humor #love #medal #silver-medal

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

One brick could be used to do the work of two men, if both men are dead. In this case, a blanket could be used to cover up their decomposing corpses.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A red brick, along with other red bricks, could be used in place of a STOP sign. Nothing says STOP quite like a brick wall.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be used to run a marathon on. While a brick is only about 1/207504th the length of a marathon’s 26.2 miles, a marathon could be run on it if the brick is slid in sync with the stride of the runner running the marathon, so that each of the runner’s footsteps lands on the same brick. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny