#h

I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #pessimism #humor

He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit. Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?" she asked innocently. "That I did not mind." He took a menacing step toward her. "What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#humor

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up. ↗

— Charles M. Schulz

#humor #peanuts #humor

Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty. ↗

— Carl Hiaasen

#humor #humor

You're a monster. Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise? No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustable. ↗

— Orson Scott Card

#humor

Scrawny little mundane bastard. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

He smiled at that, and then his gaze shifted to a spot over my shoulder and it faded. 'These doubts wouldn’t have anything to do with the company you’re keeping of late, would they?' I didn’t get a chance to answer before the shop door was thrown open and a furious war mage stomped in. Pritkin spotted me and his eyes narrowed. 'You shaved my legs?!' Mircea looked at me and folded his arms across his chest. I looked from one unhappy face to the other and suddenly remembered that I had somewhere else to be. ↗

— Karen Chance

#fiction #humor #romance #supernatural #vampire

The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#humor

I hate you," I muttered. Noah smiled wider. "I know. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#humor #mara-dyer #noah-shaw #ya #humor

You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way. - Breeze ↗

— Brandon Sanderson

#remaining-silent #reticence #humor