#h

Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all. ↗

— Jane Austen

#jane-austen #humor

Fall in love with a dog's bum, And thou'll think it pretty as a plum. ↗

— Marcel Proust

#humor

Granana doesn't understand what the big deal is. She didn't cry at Olivia's funeral, and I doubt she even remembers Olivia's name. Granana lost, like, ninety-two million kids in childbirth. All of her brothers died in the war. She survived the Depression by stealing radish bulbs from her neighbors' garden, and fishing the elms for pigeons. Dad likes to remind us of this in a grave voice, as if it explained her jaundiced pitilessness: "Boys. Your grandmother ate pigeons. ↗

— Karen Russell

#humor-relationships #short-stories #humor

Of course, like all the informal inhabitants of the University the roaches were a little unusual, but there was something particularly unpleasant about the sound of billions of very small feet hitting the stones in perfect time. Rincewind stepped gingerly over the marching column. The Librarian jumped it. The Luggage, of course, followed them with a noise like someone tapdancing over a bag of crisps. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor

The symbologist made a cryptic sign. "That remains to be seen, as the cat said who voided into the sugar bowl. ↗

— Jack Vance

#naked-lunch #what-lies-beneath #humor

Call them what you want. Garden gnomes. Lawn ornaments. Little evil outdoor statuary hell-bent on world domination. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that, right now, they're hiding in plain sight, pretending to be symbols of merriment and good will. ↗

— Chuck Sambuchino

#humor

I want to be your friend," I said. "Excuse me?" he asked "I want us to be friends," I said. Gordy stepped back. "I assure you" he said. "I am not a homosexual. ↗

— Sherman Alexie The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian

#humor

I crossed my arms. "You're saying I'm not usually polite?" He staged a sigh. "It's amazing how quickly I can regret saying something with you…" "I'm polite. I'm very fucking polite. ↗

— Lani Diane Rich

#humor

There are two Venices I know about and one of them is a hotel in Vegas. The other is an L.A. beach where pretty girls walk their dogs while wearing as little as possible and mutant slabs of tanned, posthuman beef sip iced steroid lattes and pump iron until their pecs are the size of Volkswagens. ↗

— Richard Kadrey

#humor #society #humor

Are you sure you weren't adopted?" "Mom would like to think so, but it was a natural birth, so her memory's real clear. ↗

— Jana Deleon

#humor #humor