#hell

If you do bad stuff and don't repent, you go to hell," Orc said, like he was begging for a refutation. "Yeah, well, you know what? If Howard's in hell, I guess we can all have a big get-together soon enough. a ↗

— Michael Grant

#funny #get-togethers #hell #orc #repenting

Yeah, I got her,” Will confirms. “Who you got?” I ask. “You, drunk girl. Come on.” He turns to lead me toward the exit, and I start to follow him, but for some reason my feet don’t work very well. “Um, Will?” “Yeah?” “I lost my feet.” “What?” he laughs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I can’t find my feet.” Why is everyone laughing at me? This is serious! ↗

— Kristen Proby

#funny-as-hell #funny

There once was a man who was sore 'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door. Celibacy is just not for me Let me in, you cock-teasing whore. ↗

— Jake Wizner

#funny

Miranda: You say you were my guardian angel. Does that mean you watched me all the time? Like when I got my period or doctored a zit or took a shower or- Zachary: I'm an angel, not a Peeping Tom. ↗

— Cynthia Leitich Smith

#funny

Wishing he'd...get the hell out the door before I do something crazy like ask him to whip out his goober. ↗

— Stephanie McAfee

#funny

You talked to your mother about Duncan's erectile dysfunction?" He glared down at her. "Has he considered taking your TV away? ↗

— Dana Marie Bell

#funny

You were upset. I don't want you feeling forced into anything," he pressed on, horrified at his own words. Mental. Since when did he let chivalry get in the way of a blowjob? Talk about boycotting oneself, jeez. ↗

— Elle Aycart

#self-restraint #funny

It’s just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there. ↗

— Andy Rooney

#funny #hell #funny

It was six hours to Hosannah Beach and he didn't glance at the silver coin that Dad had given him, not even once. All the way he clutched it tight in the palm of his hand and fel the bevelled edge bite into his skin. [...] Waiting in the car while Yvonne unlocked the house, he brought his hand up to his face and opened it. His sweat had the bitter smell of hot metal, hot and bitter, this was what leaving home would always smell like. ↗

— Rupert Thomson

#smells #home

Between hello and goodbye is I love you.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#hello #humor #love #relationships #humor