#hum

You can't ride two horses with one behind. ↗

— Woody Allen

#woody-allen #humor

And have your mother put my head on a stake? Do you have any notion what that would do to my handsome good looks? ↗

— Catherine Gilbert Murdock

#obedience #parenting #humor

all of the creatures were staring fixedly at Boots. She was standing on the back of her loyal cockroach friend, Temp, smack in the middle of the octagon, singing "The Itsy-Bisty Spider" at the top of her lungs. The green spider, to whom the song principially was directed, seemed to be cringing. Boots was somewhat off-key, but Gregor was pretty sure it was the loudness that was making the arachnid hunch down and contract. [...] "She has been going on like this for hours," whispered Nerissa. "Days more like it," said Ripred in disgust. [...] "Next I will sing one for you!" announced Boots, pointing at the bat, who actually flinched. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#humor #ripred #songs #spider #humor

Emma, I'm sorry, I can't help you. This is a disaster. You're completely vulnerable. It's like going into battle in a nightie. ↗

— Sophie Kinsella

#humor

Whatcha doin', Freak Girl?" --------------------------- "What does it look like, brainiac?" I shot back, even surprising myself with the force of my jab. "I'll give you three guesses. No, wait. Don't strain yourself. Wouldn't want to hurt your head." I waved a flyer in his face, channeling my inner mean girl. "See these? I'm hanging them...on a...wall!" I spoke the last part slowly, as if addressing a dim-witted child. Which wasn't far off the mark, now that I thought about it. "With tape," I added, waving at the dispenser. "You know-sticky, sticky! ↗

— Mari Mancusi

#humor

Male egos require constant stroking. Every task is an achievement, every success epic. That is why women cook, but men are chefs: we make cheese on toast, they produce pain de fromage. ↗

— Belle de Jour

#humor #truth #humor

We've been wed more than a month. Since it appears you mean to stay, I might as well give you leave to call me by my christian name. It is preferable, at any rate, to 'clodpole. ↗

— Loretta Chase

#jessica-trent #romance #humor

Carlos: So, what, were they psychos, or... Seth: Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are! ↗

— Quentin Tarantino

#vampires #humor

Bet you ten bucks we make it." What are the odds? she thought, and realized with sudden, blinding clarity that she wouldn't take the other side of that bet, that only a loser would bet against them. This is really it, she thought, amazed. This is really forever. I believe in this. "Min?" he said, and she kissed him, putting all her heart into it. "No bet," she said against his mouth. "Your odds are too good." "Our odds are too good ↗

— Jennifer Crusie

#humor #jennifer-crusie #romance #humor

I didn't approve of murder on general principles. Not even of people who seemed to go around begging for it. ↗

— Josh Lanyon

#josh-lanyon #somebody-killed-his-editor #humor