#hum

You already alone. If you want more alone, I can knock you into the middle of next week, and leave you there. ↗

— Toni Morrison

#humor

My dear dead mother wanted me to go into an honorable trade, like grave robbing. Would I listen? No. Be an assassin, like your uncle Gustav, she said. Would I pay heed? No. Apprentice to the Necromancer― ↗

— Raymond E. Feist

#humor #humor

God doesn't do notes, either. Did Jesus Christ say, "Can I be excused the Crucifixion?" No! ↗

— Alan Bennett

#the-history-boys #humor

I’ll leave before anyone wakes up. Promise.” “They’ll hear us,” I said, my heart pounding in growing panic. “I’ll take off my boots.” “How will that help you keep your mouth shut while we have sex? ↗

— Missy Welsh

#humor

You can take a dog outside, but you can't make it pee ↗

— Micah Amyx

#humor #pee #reality #humor

If Donald Trump and the Wicked Witch of the West had a kid, it would be Jayne-Anne. She looks like a librarian with some money and good taste in clothes but underneath the Verace, she's Godzilla with tits. ↗

— Richard Kadrey

#humor

Nobody wants to be interrogated in his brothel suit ↗

— Lindsay Buroker

#humor

Sicarius wore his usual guess-my-thoughts-if-you-can-mask, though she sensed he did not approve. ↗

— Lindsay Buroker

#humor

It is on!" Aech shouted into his comlink. "it is on like Red Dawn! ↗

— Ernest Cline

#war-cry #humor

Ok kiddo, turn off the Xbox and lets get some grub." "Awww Mom!" "Don't you awww Mom me. You need to eat a decent meal, mister. However will you rule the world if you're malnourished? People aren't going to follow a skinny guy with patchy hair and no teeth, buddy. It's just not DONE. ↗

— Nicole Hamlett

#humor