#hum

I leveled the gun and fired until it was empty. ↗

— Rachel Brady

#murder #mystery #skydiving #sleuth #humor

Rhett: Here’s the problem. I am not the sexual equivalent of an espresso machine. ↗

— Rowena Cherry

#humor #sperm-donor #humor

They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance ↗

— Oscar Wilde

#humor

Я не могу питаться вегетарианскими сосисками ↗

— Ilya Ilf

#humor

And just because a talking donkey tells you something doesn’t mean it’s true. ↗

— Matt Mikalatos

#humor

This is an ugly and mean world, and only to spite it we mustn't weep. If you want to know, this is the constant source of my good spirit, of my humor. Not to cry, out of spite, only to laugh out of spite, only to laugh. ↗

— Sholem Aleichem

#humor

Hey, lay off the dairy. And uh, no more happiness. ↗

— Brian Regan

#humor #humor

Has he come armed, then?” she asked anxiously. “Has he brought a pistol or a sword?” Ian shook his head, his dark hair lifting wildly in the wind. “Oh, no, Mam!” he said. “It’s worse. He’s brought a lawyer! ↗

— Diana Gabaldon

#lawyers #humor

My brother got shot three times two months ago, and he didn’t get the fever.” “I bet your family gets shot at a lot, huh? ↗

— Shelly Laurenston

#humor #lock #family

... I tried to end our little duel. I called out pacifying words; I entreated; I finally surrendered. Still Clyde came, my pirate costume so great a success that it had apparently convinced him that we were back in the golden days of romantic old New Orleans when gentlemen decided matters of hot dog honor at twenty paces ↗

— John Kennedy Toole

#humor