#hum

So Henry," Puck said as he kicked off his shoes and propped his smelly feet on the kitchen table. "I was wondering what you can tell me about puberty." Henry turned pale and stammered. Sabrina wanted to crawl under the table and die. ↗

— Michael Buckley

#puberty #humor

Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today? Peanut: Yes we had a great day! Jose: No we did not. Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No we did not have a good day. Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day! What? Jeff: Did you have a good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: A good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa. Peanut: I took him to the spa! Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer. Peanut: It's the same thing!!! ↗

— Jeff Dunham

#humor #jeff-dunham #jose-jalapeno-on-a-stick #peanut #humor

So... you're an assassin?" Dave asked incredulously. "Why do I feel like you'd have used the same tone if I'd just confessed to being a stripper?" I demanded. "Sorry," he said quickly. "I'm just surprised, is all. ↗

— Jennifer Rardin

#humor

My feelings for you run very deep." - Loor Not deep enought, I guess." - Bobby (The Rivers of Zadaa) ↗

— D.J. MacHale

#humor #humor

God save me from idealists. ↗

— Jim Butcher

#idealism #thomas-raith #humor

God, you’re sexy when you talk Psy.”--Lucas to Sascha ↗

— Nalini Singh

#humor #nalini-singh #paranormal-romance #humor

So, Beav, tell me about yourself." "I'm Blue." "Sweetheart, if I had your dubious taste in men, I wouldn't be too happy, either." "My name is Blue. Blue Bailey. ↗

— Susan Elizabeth Phillips

#humore #natural-born-charmer #romance #susan-elizabeth-phillips #humor

Life is tough, then you die. ↗

— George Carlin

#reality #humor

Being told when to shit, shower, shave, eat, and sleep isn't my idea of paradise. But then again, Paradise, where i grew up, wasn't paradise either. I'm wondering if paradise is just some word in the dictionary with the definition: this doesn't fucking exist. --Caleb to himself ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humor

Wouldn't it be better if the Elves would just shut up and go away? Hey, what if they stopped throwing a fit at you walking across their backyard. It's not like you ate their tulips or dug holes in their lawn. You didn't piss on any trees when I wasn't looking, did you?" The thundercloud that had darkened his face broke apart. He laughed. "I would have if I'd thought about it. ↗

— Thea Harrison

#humor