#hum

The silence protrudes like an engorged stomach, while I ponder the thought of trying to sit on my own lap. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #ponder #surreal #thought

A good quote should inspire individuals to go lower the world's population one person at a time. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #inspiration #quotes #funny

POZZO: I am blind. (Silence.) ESTRAGON: Perhaps he can see into the future. ↗

— Samuel Beckett

#funny #future #humor #pessimism #funny

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #politics #funny

Quote: a banal proverb that is considered profound when uttered by a celebrity. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #quotes #funny

Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives. ↗

— Huntley Fitzpatrick

#humour #romance #young-adult #young-adult-romance #funny

Spinster: a woman who wants to be free from a man’s bondage, so she goes to work for an employer and remains unburdened by someone willing to pay her mortgage. By virtue of not wading into the gene pool, she never has children who might betray her to a nursing home – her neighbors find some excuse to do that. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #single #spinster #funny

I want someone to follow me through life and organize the material enough to make it watchable. It will be a lot harder than writing an autobiography, since I'll have to convey my introspection by looking really good. ↗

— Bauvard

#documentary #entertainment #funny #humor #life

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor #funny

This is the silliest thing I've heard since the cat yoga craze a couple of years ago. I went right out and bought a cat yoga instruction book and tiny terry-cloth headband and renamed my girl cat 'Olive Neutered John,' which she didn't think was funny. Cats have no sense of humor. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#pets #funny