#hum

Jace - "Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you'd get dressed up in a nurses outfit and give me a sponge bath?" "Actually, I think you misheard." Clay said. "It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath." Jace looked involuntarily over at Simon, who smiled at him widely. "As soon as I'm back on my feet, handsome." "I knew we should have left you as a rat." said Jace. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humor

Discretion prevented me from saying that I thought she was a fiend from the underworld and that mountain lions couldn't force me to enter her service. ↗

— Megan Whalen Turner

#humor #humor

Since I came to the White House, I've gotten two hearing aids, had a colon operation, a prostate operation, skin cancer, and I've been shot...damn thing is, I've never felt better. ↗

— Ronald Reagan

#operation #humor

Wow, she doesn't have any bones. Like, at all. Where the f*ck are her bones? Am I still drunk? Did I sleep with a blow-up doll? Again? I pealed my eyes open one at a time so the rays of sun shining in the room wouldn't make me go blind. Once my eyes adjusted to the light, I looked down and groaned. Nope, not drunk, just hugging a pillow. ↗

— Tara Sivec

#seduction-and-snacks #tara-sivec #humor

Are there any religions on your list that include the slaughter of noblemen as a holy duty? ↗

— Brandon Sanderson

#humor #religion #humor

When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub. ↗

— Louis C.K.

#humor

I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help. ↗

— George Carlin

#fellatio #humor #oral-sex #humor

have you ever seen a genius out there looking for a job? it's the saddest thing in the world. no one will hire him. there is only one place where he is always welcome- at the bottom. ↗

— Henry Miller

#humor

Bibliomancy: "Divination by jolly well Looking It Up. ↗

— Marilyn Johnson

#humor

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't. ↗

— Jane Seabrook

#inspirational #humor